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Yearning for Motherhood: My Infertility Journey

I always wanted to become a mother. In my younger years, I imagined myself having my own kids. It was my plan, my future, my life.

In my mid 20s I got married and moved to the UK. Husband. Check. Move abroad. Check. Work. Check. For sure my next box would be so easy. Have kids. Or so I thought.

6 years passed by, and my husband and I have been trying for a baby but with no success. We took various tests, had a lot of supplements, tried cs, massages, homeopathic treatments, visited churches, offered prayers and poured our savings to be seen by fertility specialists— the whole nine yards but still the results are the same. One single line in our pregnancy test kits. Always Negative.

It was tough. Everyone in our circle of friends have kids. We were the best Ninang (godmother) and Ninong (godfather). It was so easy to see how we hold our inaanak (godchildren), how we are yearning so much for our own bundle of joy.

Why can’t we have even just one?

The years were filled with false hope, despair, and grief. Worse were the probing questions from our own families and other friends who kept on asking— “wala pa ba?” This was followed up usually by either by an off-putting trying to be humorous innuendo statement like “baka mali ang pwestuhan” or a patronizing suggestion like “alagaan nyo kase sarili nyo “ we know they are coming from good intentions but those words could really cut deep.

I remember someone told us prior to getting married that the best part of having babies was making them. But baby making became a chore rather than a way for us to bond. The spontaneity and excitement was replaced by strict schedules and regimented sex.

Every month that passes we always hope for success. But every time my period arrived, the hope just vanished away. We failed again and again. It was pain after pain after pain.

It was exasperating on the medical front too as we went through all sorts of tests to check what was wrong and they just could not find any. It was draining not only our finances but also our patience and more than that our hope.

Finally, the specialist said our situation falls into the “unexplained infertility” category. I can still remember our last meeting with him, he just told me he cannot do anything now. We broke down in tears and felt hopeless and disheartened.

We had to go through years of trying, and managing a whirlwind of emotions and even came to the point that we just wanted to give up. But surely it is not the end for us. Right?

And so me and my husband decided to venture into the world of IVF. We attended numerous conferences up and down the country and even went privately. There was a chance it seems and so we had to have more tests, a lot of injections (a lot!)

Have you ever felt that a rug was pulled under you? It starts so unreal because you deny that it can even happen. It’s quiet yet chaotic, it feels everything is in slow motion but you have no time to react because everything also seems to be moving quickly.

This was our 1st IVF attempt- and excited much to finally see two lines on our pregnancy test. Then the blood test came back. False positive.

Denial. “This can't be right!”

Anger. “What a waste of time and effort!!!”

Bargaining. “Can we do another test?”

Depression. Just tears

Acceptance. Yes, it’s the hard truth.

We were grieving. It’s the type of grief not everyone would understand. We felt defeated but this time it was more difficult.

We had to let ourselves feel the pain. It was bearable because my husband was with me throughout the whole journey. He saw my pain, I saw his.

But, What’s next?

Should we stop now?

Are we going to be okay if we don’t have a child?

2020 was our last year of trying. We will give our best shot and if it does not work, that’s it, we move on. After all, our marriage is not defined by the number of babies we make or if we have one. We promised to stick with each other- in both happy and difficult days! We had 7 challenging years and we survived!

Our journey has been a humbling and great learning experience for us.

It made us see things in a different light.

It taught us a lot about hope and faith.

It reminded us to be mindful of people’s feelings—including ours.

It reminded us to be more sensitive with our words and actions.

It made us tough. We grieve but we grow.

It made us dream for the future and appreciate the present.

It prepared us for the next journey ahead.

Now, we have 2 beautiful kids. After 7 long years of waiting, trying, and praying, they have finally arrived. They are worth it.

Hey fellow community members, let's see each other this July 27! We have games, great food-- minsan lang ito! Click for more information!

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